a brief history of synchronized swine swimming

after three months of intense and private rehearsals, pork chop hill’s elite synchronized swine quintet, the pot-bellied flops, held a dance recital on the main stage wallow.  communities of wild hogs choreographing elaborate dance routines for mating orgies have been recorded since early human cave drawings, straight through to journals on the american homesteading frontier. the existence of these communities of synchronized swine dramatically predates the origins of the now olympic level sport by over seven thousand years.  it is of no coincidence that the sport’s official selection as a summer olympic sport in the mid eighties came at the exact moment as the hog industry’s still famous pork:  the other white meat campaign. 

these dancing communities of wild hogs, originally discovered in the balkans, were domesticated across the near east, and eventually all of eurasia, by around six thousand bc.  the wild hog was domesticated over time, but always maintained this unique form of expression. with the spawn of industrial meat and factory farming, came the near total homogenization of the breeding stock.  to live in a box of concrete, eating waste products and dead animals, sleeping in a shitty soupy mixture, you have to be a very specific type of pig, as one could guess, and with that new influence on the domesticated hog’s evolutionary path came the near extinction of any hogs who still practiced the ancient art of finely tuned wallow ballet.

small hog producers across the country, including ourselves, are a part of a growing movement of pasture raised heritage breed hogs that focus on the animal’s well being, comfort, and it’s natural instincts—including, but not limited to, synchronized swimming.  this gentler approach to hog raising can produce a premium (unmatched) quality meat.   certain types of hogs that were literally near extinction have been saved by the creation of high quality niche pork markets.  what the consumer misses out on, however, is the chance to see these rare beasts living, thriving, and synchronized swimming just as jah intended. 

although it took until the later nineteen hundreds for it to claim olynpic status, the human interpretation of the sport was first recorded as a competition in prewar berlin germany.  unlike our culturally diverse hogs on pork chop hill, the original germanic competition was for white males only.  while woman were allowed to attend the event, minorities were banned.  it was not until a world’s fair show in nineteen thirty four, entitled the modern mermaids, which took place in chicago, Illinois, did the sport become popularized as a female event.  some conspiracy theorists point to this show as putting the nail in the coffin for  heritage breeds, as almost immediately after this show did chicago become the hog slaughter capital of the world. 

thankfully, farmers such as ourselves, now covet these ancient breeds for a myriad of desired traits ranging from shape, to color, to demeanor, to baconability.  if provided with proper lives, these hogs are given the opportunity to express the evolutionary instincts that have brought them thus far, resulting in a final product which is beneficial to the farmer, the animal, the land, and the consumer. 

now showing at pork chop hill:

 the incredible dancing and fucking heritage breed, pasture raised hogs

two shows a day, six days a week, and a matinee on sunday

 tickets:  twenty five dollars in advance, thirty five at the door

children under eight and seniors free

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